Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
