I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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