if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
