Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
