even my farts smell like vagina
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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