belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
