I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
