Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
