I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
