actually, I'm a sock model
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
