evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
