You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
