HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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