I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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