Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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