having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
