I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
