Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
