My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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