Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My bed smells like the plague
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
