the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize