Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
