My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
