Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
