Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
