I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
