I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
