I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize