I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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