Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
