Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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