Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
