If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
