im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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