White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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