Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
