i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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