i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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