Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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