it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
cat food counts as protein by the way
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
