a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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