I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
