I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you would pick up someone in the library
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
