your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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