Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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