i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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