If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
