I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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