And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
