last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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