I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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