how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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