Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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