He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
