i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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