I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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