how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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