so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize