I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
